She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
People in love make me want to vomit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
