I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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