You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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