Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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