You can't motorboat a personality
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
