So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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