I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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