My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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