I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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