And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
