I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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