Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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