why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
