I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
True college students do jello shots in the library
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
