3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
