my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You pole danced in your parka.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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