my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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