I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
