history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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