last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
