my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
