Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
