You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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