"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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