I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
