Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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