Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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