so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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