forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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