Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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