also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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