Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
