i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
