The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize