I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
