I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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