he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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