She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm like, not good at living.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
