Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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