I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
