Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
