shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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