Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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