there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
