All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
