I am puke
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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