I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
