You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
