I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
