My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
