I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
