3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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