Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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