I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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