Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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