Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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