You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
