have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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