it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
