How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
