in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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