Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
