The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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