cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
