When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
