I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
